There are times when you don’t know what you are saying yes to, and there are times when you know EXACTLY what you are saying yes to. When I decided to sign the lease for this apartment, I knew I was signing up for a grand adventure. It was the first time in my almost 30 years that I decided to lavishly treat myself to something that my mother would have thought completely wasteful. The only thing was that my mother was dead. 3 months in fact. Dead. From a cancer that had ravished her body, but couldn’t take away her soul…
When I said yes to this apartment. I fancied it my “Boomerang” apartment. It was grown and sexy…just like me. It boasted a stunning view of Brooklyn, Manhattan and Queens as well as afforded me a view of new and old Brooklyn. I remember those early nights laying in bed, mind racing, coming to the realization that she wasn’t coming back and then I would look at the skyline and something inside of me would release. Something would tell me that I could go on another moment, another hour, another day and before I knew it, thoughts of proceeding with the affairs of life would carry me to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, realizing that my mother was still dead I would feel panic begin to settle in and then I would allow my eyes to gaze to the left and my heart would skip a beat as I stared at the view. I never hung curtains in the bedroom so as not to obscure the vista, but I did take to adorning my windows with positive affirmations like “I am the light of the world.” It felt right to live this way. Surrounded by joy. Finally at rest after all that i had been through. After all the sadness choking me inside. The apartment was my respite. Loving me, holding me in the security that I could not find anywhere else.
I will be leaving my apartment after two years of domestic healing. Leaving this apartment so that I may reconnect with the earth. While the sky is beautiful, it is just as important to connect on a deeper level with the earth. Moving for a time back into the house my mother worked so hard to provide for her children brings me a sense of peace, but also unsettles me. I rarely shy away from doing the work, so go I will to a land that is familiar yet foreign. To live in a house I have not lived in since I was 17. Sankofa. Sometimes we must go back in order to move forward.
I share all this with you to remind you that when you are faced with an option that could heal you: TAKE IT. Jump right in. Never deny yourself the possibility that you make emerge more brilliant, more resilient, more willing to boomerang back to life.